Study: Riding Fellow Commuter's Ass Makes Traffic Go Faster
Experts in urban development at The International Institute of Scientific Truth & Knowledge were recently asked to help growing communities around the country find better ways to build infrastructure capable of sustaining increasing congestion. After months of research they held a press conference stating new infrastructure is not what's necessary for optimal traffic flow. Anthony Worch, lead researcher on the study, said "What needs to be communicated clearly to every commuter is that what may seem like an irritating act by some is actually the antidote to your slow traffic problem. Riding people's asses is the key. After our findings it all made sense. We had a big aha moment. Of course riding people's asses makes them go faster. We're a nation captivated and controlled by fear so of course you're afraid of the commuter behind you. You never know what's going to happen in today's climate. The fear motivator alone speeds traffic up 14% on average." So there you have it just ride the person's ass in front of you and all of your traffic woes will go away.
Ryan Kensington - March 11, 2019
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