Top Poultry Producer Releases New Holiday Line: OOPS! All Antibiotics!
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By Ryan Kensington
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A Guide to Discussing Native American Culture on Thanksgiving by Rachel Dolezal
By Rachel Dolezal
I hope this helps you on your holiday. Now go be the life of that pow wow.
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Bezos' Mech Suit Defeats Unionizing Labor Movement
By Harold Daily
"It was like something out of Transformers! I'm so lucky to be alive!"
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Amid Heightened Tensions US Declares Gender Reveal Party on Russia
By Ryan Kensington
Amid heightened tensions surrounding election tampering we've just received word that the US has launched a gender reveal party on Russia.
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Trump Concedes; Announces Transition to 'More Important' Role as Jeopardy Host
By Ryan Kensington
In a news conference this morning President Trump finally conceded victory to Joe Biden. He also made another shocking announcement.
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Environmentalists Warn as Climate Change Enters Harsher Phase Climate Dollars
By Ryan Kensington
Today in a press conference regarding climate change researchers from the International Institute of Scientific Truth & Knowledge shared an urgent message.
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Celebrity Hip Hop Artists Unveil Plan to Defeat Trump
By Ryan Kensington
An insider from the celebrity hip hop community reached out to us exclusively with this letter.
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Biden: "I'm not black if you vote for Bernie Sanders."
By Ryan Kensington
"Look here Aaron. I'm not black if you vote for Bernie Sanders!"
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Minneapolis 3rd Precinct Morphs into True Form of Dumpster Fire
By Ryan Kensington
Afterward several bystanders described what seemed to be the building morphing into the form of a dumpster fire which is believed to be the structures true form.
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Trump Warns Coronavirus "Back off by Easter" or Face Steep Tariffs
By Ryan Kensington
Today in a press conference Donald Trump rolled out a bold new strategy for dealing with the global pandemic.
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Coronavirus Cure: Infected Must be Shot or Stabbed in Brain
By Ryan Kensington
This morning scientists from The International Institute of Scientific Truth and Knowledge made a big announcement; "We have the cure."
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Bernie Outlines Plan to Fund Healthcare by Confiscating Firearms from the 99% and selling them to the 1%
By Ryan Kensington
In a press conference early Tuesday morning members of the media again pressured Bernie Sanders to outline his tax plan regarding Medicare For All.
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Sprint and T-Moblile Happy to Merge and Become one of America's 8 Businesses
By Ryan Kensington
Big news was announced in the wireless world today. A merger between T-Mobile and Sprint has been approved by the FCC.
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Outraged Man Submits to Pay Wall - Saves Access to Misleading Headlines
By Aaron Gainor
An area man came across an appalling headline while browsing social media. Upon clicking on the link to the article he was met with a pay wall to which he begrudgingly conceded.
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Trump Also Asks Slovenia, Singapore and Japan to Look into Joe and Hunter Biden
By Ryan Kensington
Washington, D.C. - In a press conference on Wednesday President Trump was asked about his recent inquiries into the Bidens.
Tekashi 69 Changes Name to Tekashi 67 to Avoid Identification
By Ryan Kensington
We just received word that rapper Tekashi 69 who recently testified against multiple gang members has changed his name to Tekashi 67.
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Greta Thunberg Announces 2020 Run for President of USA
By Ryan Kensington
Washington, D.C. - Friday night Greta Thunberg, liberal climate activist, defied all expectations by announcing her 2020 bid
for President of the United States. Top political analysts immediately called the announcement a bold protest. 
Study: Joker Movie Confirms People Still Have Opinions
By Aaron Gainor
Reviews for the new Joker movie are stacking up. One moviegoer exclaimed, "I loved it!" while another said, "I hated it, disgusting."
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Camera Cash™ App to Allow Mobile Cash Bank Deposits On The Go
By Ryan Kensington
The app uses your phone camera to scan the serial number and anti-fraud strip in your cash. Then you enter the account and routing numbers where you wish to deposit the cash.
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GMO Pioneer Monsanto Announces Breeding of New Boneless Chickens
By Ryan Kensington
"Well, it's something that's been in the works for a long time. We know how much higher sales for boneless cuts of chicken are..."
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Biden Announces New Campaign Slogan: Take the D Train to Boomtown
By Ryan Kensington
"I think it's clear America needs a boomer candidate who can lead the party in the right direction. I'm the candidate who can lead this D train to Boomtown!"
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Whimsical Sidekick Attempts to Assume Lead Role
By Ryan Kensington
President Obama's whimsical sidekick, Joe Biden, has officially put his hat in the race to take the lead role as POTUS.
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Assange Accidentally Leaks Legal Loophole Allowing His Extradition from Ecuadorian Embassy
By Dr. Ted Geisel
"It's pretty unbelievable but mistakes happen everyday. It's basically like hitting send on an email then remembering you forgot the attachment."
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Other Radical Conservative Agrees Trump is Innocent
By Ryan Kensington
"Being a staunch conservative who was hand picked by Donald Trump has nothing to do with it." Barr commented.
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Guy Finds Obscure Website to Support Wild Claim
By Ryan Kensington
We just received news that a man who previously made a wild claim has in fact found an obscure website that confirms his assertion.
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Turns out Alex Jones is Full of Shit
By Aaron Gainor
A recent study by leading scholars and scientists shows conclusive proof that Alex Jones is definitely full of shit.
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Toilet Paper Equations Baffle Mathematicians
By Ryan Kensington
Mathematicians for the International Institute of Scientific Truth & Knowledge have become increasingly perplexed by toilet paper equations.
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Nabisco Uses FDA Shutdown to Execute Diabolical Plan of Poisoning Public
By Ryan Kensington
A large surge in hospital admittance due to poisoning sparked the curiosity of independent researchers at Dewey Cheatum & Howe. What they found is a startling number of recent poisoning cases are directly linked to consuming Nabisco products.
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Earth Isn't Flat, It's an Echo Chamber
By Ryan Kensington
Late one night scientist Poe Heugly was debating a flat earth enthusiast on Facebook. Roughly halfway through the conversation Poe had a groundbreaking epiphany.
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Seattle Converting Two Lanes of I5 for Bike Use Amid Viaduct Closure
By Ryan Kensington
Late Friday afternoon Seattle DOT announced a plan to curb anticipated traffic issues caused by the viaduct closure.
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Social Media Justice Warrior Launches Millionth Heated Petition
By Ryan Kensington
A woman fed up with the length of the Mueller investigation published a new petition titled, Impeach 45 Today.
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Anti-Vax Parents Break Diagnosis of Rare Disease to Children Over Game of Oregon Trail
By Daniel Smith
An anti-vax couple, Steve and Nina, recently had to break the diagnosis of a rare disease to their children. They decided to lighten the blow by delivering the bad news during a game of the computer classic, The Oregon Trail.
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Patriots Eager to Unveil Aggressive New Cheating Tactic Against Chiefs
By Kareem Johnson
During an interview Sunday after defeating the Chargers 41-28 a member of the Patriots staff said, "We're really riding this momentum. I don't want to speak to soon but I'm really excited. I can't wait to show the world our latest cheating strategy.
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Man Who Just Started Breakfast Already Wondering What's for Dinner
By Ryan Kensington
Scottsdale, AZ - A man who sat down to a plate of bacon, eggs and hash browns this morning repeatedly asked his wife, "Hun, what're we having for dinner?"
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Turns Out Everything Posted on Facebook is True
By Ryan Kensington
After a lot of speculation regarding information posted on Facebook scientists from The International Institute of Scientific Truth & Knowledge performed a professional study.
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Hamburglar Caters Clemson NCAA Championship Dinner
By Aaron Gainor
When you think about dinner at the White House you probably think delectable and beautifully presented food prepared by a professional chef and staff. For NCAA Football champions Clemson that was not the case.
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Andy Reid "Super Pumped" for Chance to Win White House Fast Food Buffet
By Aaron Gainor
After seeing a fast food spread The White House presented to NCAA Football champions Clemson, Cheifs head coach Andy Reid excitedly requested an interview.
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Local Rapper Can't Wait to Play Free Show
By Aaron Gainor
In a recent interview with a self described up and coming rapper he told us, "I just can't wait to play this free show. I've been putting all this effort into my art and I'm really blessed to be able to share it for free."
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Tom Brady Seen Taking 'Walk of Shame' From NFL Official's Suite
By Ryan Kensington
On the eve of the AFC Championship game a trusted source says they personally saw Tom Brady leaving an NFL official's suite at an alarmingly odd hour.
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Motivational Speaker Has One Tip: Change Your Mind From Illuminati to IllumiYESi
By Ryan Kensington
We caught up with motivational speaker Arima Anaskor to get his take on how to view life through a more positive lens.
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Trump Honored to Accept Award for Most Indictments in a Presidential Staff
By Ryan Kensington
"...You know, the Guiness Book of World Records contacted me? They want to present an award to me for all of these indictments. I told them, you know, no one has better indictments than me. Just wait, I'll have the best indictments..."
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Study: Chevy Not Actively in a Chase
By Aaron Gainor
Controversy over Hollywood star Chevy Chase's name grew hot over the weekend as a recent study by the International Institute for Scientific Truth & Knowledge determined he's not actively being chased.
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Breaking: Roseanne Takes Ambien - Writes Nazi Manifesto
By Ryan Kensington
"...I took some Ambien and the next thing I knew I had written a 200 page manifesto. I've really got to find a different sleep aid."
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Heated Evangelical Debate Opens Portal to Hell
By Ryan Kensington
Salt Lake City, Utah - "I don't know about any Satan or anything, but by the grace of god I feel like I saw evil come right up out of the earth."
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The Moon is Round Earth Visible from an Alternate Dimension
By Ryan Kensington
What we have always believed to be the moon is actually light reflected from the round earth which is confirmed as being in an alternate but visible dimension.
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The Truth About the Children of the Lie
By Ryan Kensington
The children of the lie are political leftists brainwashed by Soros and Rockefeller funded media outlets.
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Study: Riding Fellow Commuter's Ass Makes Traffic Go Faster
By Ryan Kensington
Anthony Worch, lead researcher on the study, said "What needs to be communicated clearly to every commuter is that what may seem like an irritating act by some is actually the antidote to your slow traffic problem. Riding people's asses is the key."
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Study: 5G Turns Men into Beta Cucks
By Ryan Kensington
After prolonged exposure, former conservative alpha males began enjoying cleanup the highway projects and dance-off movies among other typically beta interests.
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Facebook Goes Offline as CIA Downloads User Data
By Ryan Kensington
This morning, March 13th 2019, you may have noticed you were unable to access your Facebook account. This is due to Mark Zuckerberg making the decision to go offline for the CIA to download all user data.
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New Trend: Anti-VaXXX Rare Disease Porn
By Aaron Gainor
The new porn, like all other, is intended for sexual stimulation. However, it features actors with rare diseases.
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Neighbors Who Find Magical Tickets Jealous of Each Others Wishes
By Ryan Kensington
When Crystal Williams and Flossy McGinn were preparing their spring garden beds they found two tickets to have a single wish granted.
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Skeptic Doesn't Feel Like What Didn't Kill Him Made Him Stroger
By Ryan Kensington
Dogtown, AL - We recently spoke with Jimmy Dunbar after a Twitter tirade about him not feeling any stronger despite many things that haven't killed him.
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Austin Shuffield Wins Bitch-Ass of the Year Award
By Ryan Kensington
Today judges for the official Bitch-Ass of the Year Awards announced a unanimous 2019 victory by Austin Shuffield.
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Review: Dr. Life Universal Anti-Radiation Card
By Joel Peters
Now that I've purchased the card and used it as the daily driver for my anti-radiation needs I'm ready to weigh in on it's performance.
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