Health & Wellness
Nabisco Uses FDA Shutdown to Execute Diabolical Plan of Poisoning Public
A large surge in hospital admittance due to poisoning sparked the curiosity of independent researchers at Dewey Cheatum & Howe. What they found is a startling number of recent poisoning cases are directly linked to consuming Nabisco products. This led to an independent investigation that uncovered a plan, decades in the making, to poison the public. An anonymous woman who was recently laid off from Nabisco commented, "They wouldn't ever tell us exactly why we had stockpiles of strychnine and arsenic. We all just assumed it was for cleaning. Then one day I was digitizing old documents and came across what appeared to be some sort of manifesto." The document discovered by the anonymous woman turned out to be a three point plan devised by the top minds at Nabisco. The plan: poison the public, sell them the antidote, then while being praised for saving the world; roll out the most delicious cookie the world has ever tasted. The anonymous woman continued, "They planned to win everyone's hearts with the antidote then take the top spot in the cookie industry." Needless to say, avoid Nabisco products until the FDA is back open for business.
Ryan Kensington - January 12, 2019
Science & Mathematics